Thursday, March 31, 2011

Parenting is to Parenting Books as Reality is to Dreamland

Yesterday I got the notification that my parenting book I had put on hold at the library was ready for pick up. I'm pretty excited about this so I pack the kids in the car, head off to the library, and get my book. When I get home, it's lunch time so while we're eating I start to read. The book: On Becoming Toddlerwise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. I started off in the chapter on Conflict, Training, and Correction since this is where I felt I needed the most help. Much of it was smart and intellectually stimulating. I actually found some things that I wanted to try including giving Emma instructions instead of asking her to do things. But overall the big looming, blinking sign hanging over my head as I read was PARENTAL FAILURE. I'm sitting there with my 2 month old in my arms, while trying to eat and read, and trying to keep Emma from standing up in her high chair and throwing her food on the ground. Immediately I sternly say NO and tell her to sit down. It doesn't happen so I tell her again with hand directions this time. Again she doesn't obey and even shakes her head no with a little smirk on her face. So then I grab her arm and bend her legs and force her to sit back down. She screams and throws a small fit, but stays sitting for a bit. I go back to reading and what do I read? Something about not forcing them to do things. BIG check for me. Then I read some more about not using threats or bribes. Uh-oh, check two! So many times I've said, “If you don't do this, you'll go to your room (or get a spanking)!” or “If you do this, Mommy will give you a chocolate (or a snack)!” Oh boy....having gotten mostly through the chapter I think to myself, “Do I really want to read this??” The rest of the day I try out some of the things in the chapter like saying “look at Mommy” first before giving her a direction or putting her in isolation when she disobeys. She obeyed me a little more I would say. In fact when she didn't pick up the kitchen utensils she threw on the ground when I asked her three times (I even looked her in the face and got her full attention on the items and she still ignored my directions), I put her in her room and wouldn't let her out until she stopped crying a bit. I opened the door and told her to say sorry to me then gave her a hug. But she seemed really anxious to get around me and go somewhere. I decided to let her go where she was going and immediately she went downstairs. I listened to drawers open and items clunking together. I then went down to see what she had done. I was surprised to see she had gone down to do exactly what I had wanted her to do just a few minutes before. She put the utensils away! She knew what I was asking of her and was deliberately disobeying at first. There was no misunderstanding there. But she discovered that when disobeying meant being locked in her room, she knew she had to hurry to complete the task so that she wasn't in there anymore. Smart girl! That encouraged me a bit, so I thought, “Hmmm, maybe I should keep reading that book." Day two. Today. I finally got both kids asleep and decided to eat lunch and read again. This time I begin on the chapter called Structuring Your Child's Day. Here's where things really began to make me feel awful. Practically everything I was doing in this area according to these authors was wrong. Now, I know that parenting books aren't all correct and that every situation is different. I know that doctoral authors are not know-it-alls even though they think they are. So this chapter I kind of want to say to them, “Are you kidding me???” They are saying my day should be structured to every 15 minutes or half hour. They say get your kids up at exactly the same time everyday and that a good time is 7 am. Well, buddies, I have a 2 month old baby that goes to sleep at 11 pm gets up at 5 am to eat and a husband that gets up at 6 am to go to work. I want to go back to sleep so that I can keep my sanity, so no I am not going to wake my toddler up if she's still sleeping and I can get some shut eye!! Also, they say there should be all these different kinds of play time, but no where in there did they account for mommy work out time, dishes, laundry, cleaning, phone calls, emails, errands, and other things that have to get done. They also don't know that my child just simply does not do quiet time, unless she's into something she shouldn't. She takes naps, but put Emma on a blanket for 30 minutes to play? Good luck!!! She'd be up and off that in 2 seconds. Don't let her switch toys every 5 minutes? She switches toys every 30 seconds! And how am I supposed to control that when I have a baby to nurse? The evening schedule they have is totally out as well. I teach piano so dinner is at a different time every day depending on when my lessons are. And those switch around so much that it changes week to week even. And apparently I put her to bed too late. That is actually a good thing for me to hear because now I have a good excuse to start putting her to bed earlier and getting some good nightly alone time with my husband. So overall, I am overwhelmed by this chapter. Maybe I'm too selfish and shouldn't be so focused on what I need to get done, but rather what I need to do for my children. But seriously this is too big a bite for me to chew. Maybe I just need to change one little thing at a time. I guess we'll see how this goes. For right now I am going to say to that parenting book, “You live in the parenting dreamland and I live in the parenting reality. Sorry, but I think reality overrules dreamland. Thanks anyways!” :)

4 comments:

Mel said...

Okay, this was funny because I can relate. Sorry if it wasn't meant to be funny. The most valuable thing I've ever read from a parenting book was about the percentage you can expect them to obey you, according to age. I think 2 years old is like 60% or something. Doesn't that make you feel so much better? Knowing they seriously aren't capable of obeying you except for 60% of the time makes it all okay! :) The percentage goes up the older they get and it's true, they really do get better at it.

Mel said...

And all that structured playtime stuff is just a bunch of bunk and unrealistic like you said! Just let them play! Early bedtimes are good, though. When I had my 2nd was when I needed to switch both bedtimes to 8 at the latest, for sanity's sake and it's the best thing ever. Just glean what you want to from those books and ignore the rest. :)

Ashley said...

Hmm, I think there is a reason I don't read parenting books. Okay, maybe it is because I have zero time to do so, but I am kind of glad after hearing your review of this one.

You are a great parent. You're doing a good job. Don't let these authors make you think otherwise.

Caitlin and Jason said...

Hey Amy! This is Caitlin (Ripplinger). I don't have any of my own kids, but I've got a few nieces and nephews and I talk to my sisters and friends who have kids and they all love the "Happiest Baby on the Block" book. One of my sisters was always very anti parenting books that imply there is one way to have "the best" kid, or to be "the best" parent - but she adores this book!

I've heard there is also a "Happiest Toddler on the Block" book as well - maybe it would be worth a shot to check out? I've only heard fabulous things about the baby one, so I imagine the toddler one is good too.

http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Crying-Newborn/dp/0553381466/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1303246251&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Four-Year-Old/dp/0553384422/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1303246251&sr=8-2

One last thing, you have a beautiful family!